Theodore of Sykeon

Saint Theodore of Sykeon

memorial
22 April

Profile;

The mother, aunt and grandmother of our Saint today were all prostitutes his father was an itinerant circus acrobat and bareback rider who had a brief professional relationship with Theodore’s mom; and promptly abandoned him.

This is hardly a good life for a young boy, as these things go, Saint George appeared to Ted’s mother and instructed her to educate him in the faith and amend her ways. She promptly did so converting the house of ill repute into a restaurant.

Theodore was a bad student, unable to pray his Psalter without help, I think it was that interminable Canticle of Daniel, that and flipping between ribbons to try and follow the appropriately named Te Deum…. in spite of this he became a priest and a hermit who lived a life so austere and severe, he spent the time from Christmas to Palm Sunday in a wooden cage wearing an iron girdle and shackles on his ankles and wrists, sometimes the cage was suspended above a sharp rock. The Mandarin once imprisoned Iron Man in a thing like that.

Much like Jack LaLane, who told everyone to exorcize, Theodore was a famous and popular exorcist. Once while exorcizing a demon from a young girl, the unclean spirit became visible under the girl’s skin and was seen running up and down her arm….it was either Asmodeus or a hookworm….

Around the year 590 Theodore became the Local Bishop. As Bishop he let his beard grow below his waist and engaged in continued austere practices. In spite of this hirsutism Ted was very effective in counseling unhappily married couples. The bride got a gander of Cousin It in a miter and decided she didn’t have it so bad after all.

Unfortunately the years of austerity took its toll on Ted; his biographer said he smelled like a corpse, he eventually retired as bishop to a monastery where he continued to perform miracles like curing the Emperor’s son of elephantitis.

Died:
April 22, 613

Patronage:
For rain
From rain
For reconciling unhappy marriages
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